MANDATORY GEAR: What you need to know

We’re welcoming back Pete Dobos to our coverage this year. Longtime adventure racer and one of the true originators of AR dotwatching and analysis, get ready for Pete’s insights and fun takes on the race.

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THE REAL COMPETITOR STUFF THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT

Yes, ‘tis I, Los Dobos. Former GOD-tier dot-watcher and spectacularly mediocre adventure racer. I saw Race Director Bob Miller’s so-called competitor update. Puh-lease. He’ trying to set y’all up for spectacular failure. Here’s all the stuff you REALLY need to know.

MANDATORY GEAR As with all other adventure races, Bob’s carefully curated Mandatory Gear List (MGL) comprises everything and anything you could ever conceivably need during this race. Pack everything that’s on the MGL and NOTHING ELSE!

Keep in mind that there are only TWO (2) ways to optimize your team’s mandatory gear:

a) obscenely expensive bleeding edge stuff that saves precious grams and can be packed down into a matchbox (this is the preferred option), OR

b) if you suffer from not being independently wealthy then go to the other extreme and get the cheapest most lead-filled stuff you can find from dodgy websites. The money you save here will let you use the above option next time.

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Whichever way you go, always order sight-unseen online and trust in the established universality of sizing charts and the honest and accurate description of the gear.Finally, ensure that you do NOT test out any of your gear before the race. You wouldn’t want to start wearing it out or risk damaging it, especially the expensive stuff! They seriously cut corners on durability to get the weight down and some of that stuff falls apart if you sneeze on it. You want your gear to fail DURING the race, not before. The best way to do this is to arrange for the stuff to be delivered the day before you leave for the race.

NON-MANDATORY MANDATORY GEAR This list of “helpful” suggestions from a world class adventure racer and navigator are just a trap for the unwary. Bob simply wants you to carry more stuff so most of you are so overloaded with useless bits of gear, food, and water that you miss the cutoffs for his “Expedition” course and people will keep saying how tough this race is.

As with the actual MGL, there are two ways to optimize this bit of pre-race planning:

1) don’t read any of it

2) if you already have, then ignore all of it. Easy-peasy.

Here is a sampling of some of the things Bob thinks you’ll need.

2-3 litres of water carrying capacity

I know, I know: what are these “litres” you’re talking about? The good thing is you can just ignore this, because why else would you be carrying those water purification tablets around? Scoop into your 1 team bottle from the nearest bog, toss in some definitely not expired purification tabs from your 9 year old mandatory gear baggie, and drink up! Mmmmmmm, swamp water, extra beaver-y. The race is definitely shorter than the incubation period of whatever bugs/parasites you may ingest, so you’ll have crossed the finish line before any of the consequences start biting you in the ass.

Gloves

Nope. This is a subtle trick to cause you to hyperthermiate. Yes, that is a word. Your forearms, hands, and fingers are basically your body’s radiator fins for dumping heat. Wearing gloves means you’ll cook and either DNF or have to slow right down, whereas slicing your hand open or puncturing it when you take a header trying to get over some gnarly deadfall – of which there definitely won’t be any, even though Bob included shin guards in this devious list – is a basic case of “suck it up buttercup”.

Sunglasses/eyeglasses

Let’s deal with eyeglasses: only your navigator needs to be able to read, so make sure you just pick whichever one of you isn’t blind as a bat without your glasses and you’re good to go. If none of you can read maps with your Mark I Eyeballs, then just bring one pair, taking the average of your team’s diopter. And only 1 pair, coz these things never break or get lost.

Sunglasses are the one and only exception in this entire list, because everyone looks more badass and competent when wearing shades. Bring your priciest/best looking pair because in the long history of AR no racer has ever lost theirs. As a special bonus, almost all sunnies float.

The Rest

This list goes on and on (you can see for yourself HERE on page 8).As I said before: just ignore ALL of this. It’s ALL completely unnecessary and you can definitely finish well without ANY of this extra dead weight.

Have fun packing your gear.